So I’ve done nothing productive this reading week. I am gonna go insane this weekend trying to finish 4 assignments. That’s 2 papers, an essay proposal, and a summary. I have 3 days. I think I can do this. Oh did I mention that I haven’t done any of the readings for these classes. Oh and I also have a quiz to do but I guarantee I will just end up winging that. Sigh.
I am freaking graduating…must focus…now is the time to focus…oh who am I kidding…
kids, learn from me and do not procrastinate.
I am grade 12 student who has just recently graduated. You might call me accomplished, and in a way, I am, but not in the way you’d think. 12 years of pouring over text books and being lined up to be judged in front of my peers has not made me any more intelligent. I can tell you the first 45 digits of Pi and I can explain to you the difference between an acid and a base, I can recite the Pythagorean Theorem in my sleep, I will recite lines out of a textbook like they are a religion. But I cannot tell you the value of security, or of kindness. The distinct contrast between personal health and personal gain. I can tell you in grade 10 four of my classmates attempted to take their own lives before finals. I can tell you our counsellors office is always booked. I can tell you how when I didn’t understand something in AP Chemistry my teacher asked me to leave if I could not participate in his class. I merely asked him to explain a question. Instead of doing his job and teaching, he told me to leave. Told me I was not good enough to be there. Mistakes are viewed as failure in these hallways. A wrong answer is a sin you must atone to, not a human error, but a flaw so grand it defines your entire life course. There is no “average” here. We all must exceed expectations. Do your parents know that a grade that is considered average is a “C”? When I got a C in fourth grade my parents grounded me for a month. They said I was lazy and stupid and incompetent and that I’d better smarten up and stop fooling around. I never fooled around. I am driven by a deep need to impress others. I never fool around. I worked and worked and worked, with a deep hollow of anxiety in my chest. I have never been good at History, but I worked and worked and I attained at best a low B. It was not good enough. It is not said but we are expected to put our education before our personal health. It is not asked of us, but it is what we must do to achieve what we are asked to achieve. Our teachers will tell you, “Oh, I only give them one hour of homework each night.” Which is essentially true, each of my five teachers only gives me one to two hours of homework each night. Hmm, that adds up to 5-10 hours of homework, and overdue classwork, and projects. Say goodbye to sleep, say goodbye to feeling calm. I’ve developed a deep rooted anxiety disorder due to school and perfectionistic tendencies. Even when you get 100 percent on an assignment they still criticise you, it is never good enough. One slip, and you are in deep deep trouble. I can tell you that 90 percent of us try our hardest, and our teachers and parents stand in the sidelines, screaming, “You can do better than that!”
I’m in total “I don’t care” mode when it comes to school stuff. I am going to hate myself tomorrow when I’m struggling to study as well as finish my essay.
I honestly don’t know why I torture myself like this but I cannot write. Not today, not yesterday. I swear I know what I’m doing but I cannot form sentences to make paragraphs to finish this essay.
I’m doing everything to avoid writing this essay…but I gotta remember that not only I have to write that essay, I also have a reading response and a summary to write plus a test to study for.
I just finished my 2nd exam and I finished the whole thing so I don’t think I failed but…I dunno it all depends on them now. I’m confident about the last part which was the easiest but worth the least but like I said I’m good with a B for this class. That’s all I need. Now for my next exam I really need those 3 days to study. I must not slack cause my prof specifically said that she’s marking harder.
Sleeping early for my morning exam tomorrow. This is a first. I gave up studying for this exam. I just need a B in this class and I’ll be satisfied. In comparison to last year, this semester was just bad in terms of my grades. But I ain’t even mad because I really didn’t even try to work that hard. Too many missed classes and ignored readings. As Christmas break approaches, I’m just ready to get my shit together. I’m gonna make sure this break is productive as ever, that includes catching up with my friends whom I miss so much right now.
Wish me luck cause I’m gonna need it. I just need like a C on this exam to pull that B in this class. I hope I don’t blank out. It’s all definitions, short answers, and essays. It’s the first time I’m wishing I had a multiple-choice test instead because definitions are so hard to bullshit. Gaaaaah!
I’m definitely getting old. Back in highschool I’d honestly get no sleep yet still happen to wake up at 6am to get ready for school for 5 days a week. Now it’s like I can’t even get up for a class at 2pm on tuesdays. Where has my energy gone to.
My next exam is at 9 in the morning. I havent been to school that early since first year. Damn, will I even be able to wake up. I just want this to fly by. :(
Someone needs to slap some sense in me. This weekend was not productive at all. This paper, essay, report, whatever is due next Saturday and because I skipped so much I have no idea how to go about it. Plus I have to have it finished by at least Tuesday because exams start next Monday and my first exam is worth 50% of my grade…I skipped so much of that class too. -__- Well at this point I can only blame myself for my lack of focus. This year is supposed to be important but I’m barely trying. At this point, I just hate it. I need some motivation. Fuck, I’m so frustrated. What is life? I want to give up everything and just live in the mountains somewhere. My mind would be so much more at peace. But for now, I just gotta suck it up and think positively. I can do this, I always get it done.
I feel like a part of me just loves stressing myself out because every time I procrastinate and cram I always cough up a brilliant paper. I don’t know how I do it. I guess I work well under pressure and with no sleep. But that feeling after is not satisfying at all. It actually feels really bad cause then my energy is all drained, then I end up skipping class and I don’t want to do anything else but sleep. This is what university does to you. Nope, I lied just UofTorture.
I slept pretty early last night, I was hella exhausted so I slept in this morning. But I woke up this morning feeling so shitty. This is how I know I’m over stressed. No matter how long I sleep for it isn’t enough because the quality of sleep that I get is not that great at all.
I wanna go back to Texas and refresh my mind, body, and soul. I’m just so much more peaceful there…cause I have nothing to worry about.
I miss my baller, choir, and dance days.
WTF happened to me?
I need to be more active in school.
But who am I kidding…?
I barely have time to sleep and to even see my crew.
School is taking too much of my time.
I don’t know even know how I survived this week…but I did. 4 midterms (3 in class, 1 essay) in one week is suicide. The whole week I’ve had about 10 hrs of sleep. Thankfully, I can finally rest…but I have a feeling I’m going to end up dropping one of these classes because of my grades. I am honestly only confident that I did well in one of those midterms. The others we’re just hell. But this week is over and I can finally breathe…& celebrate. But I wish my birthday wasn’t on a Monday :(
This essay is only worth 20% but I spent the whole weekend plus half of today to finish it…why? Because I cant focus. Ughhh, I could’ve been done Friday but for some reason I just really didn’t have the motivation to do it. I kept falling asleep, my ideas were everywhere. I just couldn’t get myself to finish it. To make matters worse, after having an epiphany, I had to start from scratch because I changed my topic. Now I’m done but I don’t even know how I feel about it. But w/e lowest I can get is a B. I’m sure of that. I just hate how I wasted so much time on it when I finally could’ve caught up on my other classes. Now on to the next one…250 word report. Let’s go~
I have to write two papers and they’re due next week but for some odd reason I really don’t want to. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I woke up today in the shitiest state ever. I didn’t even want to get up, I just wanted to hibernate. But I was like no I’m wasting time just lying here and I have so much to do. Honestly tho, I’ve been feeling really exhausted lately.